Well i'm too old to lose, baby, I'm too young to win.

I've officially and frighteningly just found my first gray hair. I'm tempted to just leave it there. I don't feel anymore stressed lately than the usual levels so I wonder what caused such a thing to happen. Could it have to do with one's diet at all? I'd like prevent this from happening again.

Age ain't nothin' but a number

Now that I'm 24 years old, the world seems so much different. When Monday rolled around, people immediately started calling me "ma'am" and asking for my advice on their difficult life predicaments. My landlord asked me if I was in the market to buy real estate. My dad attempted to casually ask me when I plan on settling down and giving him some more grandchildren. Being an adult is weird!

But actually, I want to know what "adult" means. Dictionary.com first defines it as, "having attained full size and strength; grown up; mature" - but I'm pretty sure I haven't attained full size yet (unfortunately) or strength (recently started working out); 'grown up'... hmm, I'll have to do a separate search for that term; mature... well isn't that relative? In fact, I think the whole notion of adulthood is pretty relative and subjective. Of course, I'm not going to argue that the 45 year-old who was smashing mailboxes with the local high school kids just a couple weeks ago still has yet to reach adulthood (he's an adult whether he's ready to admit it or not). However, I think there's about a 20 year span of room for interpretation based on one's experiences. For example, some 15 year-olds are thrust into adulthood out of need to provide for others. For some, the feeling of being an adult might not come until 35. I think a common thread, though, in being considered an adult is the necessity to provide for others. Having kids is definitely the most determining factor of adulthood. And for those who don't (want to) have kids? The determining factors probably include ownership of property, reaching a certain tax bracket, or marriage.

I DO know that I still feel just as much like a kid now as I ever have. It has it's pluses and minuses obviously. And I'm still realistic about it; I actually have a career (which still feels strange to say). But part of me wonders when that morning will come that I wake up and think, "so this is what it feels like to be an adult." Okay, so I'm pretty sure that's not how it happens, but hopefully you get my point. I feel as if I've been in a state of limbo for the past couple years now and me thinks it's time to raise the bar for my standards... I want adult standards for my youthful lifestyle. I want "things" that are new and nice - my things are old and tattered and break all the time, because as a kid, that's all I could afford. I want to be able to thrive on only 6 hours of sleep, like I witness in all adults - I am incapable of waking up before 8am and as a result it seems like I wake up, go to work, come home from work, eat, and then go right back to sleep... so my need for 8+ hours of sleep leaves me with few non-work waking hours. I guess I want to be capable of juggling more activities and responsibility, without becoming a rigid bore (just kidding, to any 'adults' reading this). I know it's possible, I just don't know how to make that transition.

Enough about my almost quarter life crisis. For my Golden Birthday this year, this is what I did: LCD Soundsystem & Arcade Fire concert on Thursday night, Josh & Karen threw me a surprise party on Friday night(!!!), Saturday went out to brunch and dinner with a bunch of friends, Sunday I went to Lauren's grandfather's funeral :( but hers is like my second family so it was good to see them, Monday I took the day off work and Josh forgot it was my actual birthday (we can joke about it now, right??) but then he felt so bad that he took the afternoon off work to bring me the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers (flowers make up for anything!), I went shopping, got a Thai massage (ouch! and most likely never again), and then went out for some delicious Yang Chow Chinese food with my family, and finally, on Tuesday, Katie took me out for my favorite sushi dinner.

That's it. I'm getting old. Maybe soon I'll start acting like it.

Thanks for tuning in.

Growing Up (Old)

I really must be entering a new phase of life. I actually turned down a Modest Mouse concert on Sunday night, which I had been so excited for in the days prior. I just got tired and decided it would be too much to deal with. When did this happen to me? When did I start turning down concerts of bands that I love because standing until midnight sounded too tiring? I guess it happened when I got a real job. I worry that my ten hour work days seem so long and gruelling that I'm inclined to give up those things that I genuinely love doing because they have become too demanding of time and energy. Or maybe I'm just getting old!

When I was in junior high I used to say that I wanted to start having kids at 23 because I wanted to be a young, in touch parent. The last time I remember making that statement was maybe my freshman year in high school. Ten years seemed so removed from my reality back then. Now I'm 23, and while I feel like an old lady in one respect, I still feel so much like a kid that I can't imagine wanting to have one of my own right now. I mean, after seeing how quickly the past five years have gone by, I wonder, when am I going to feel ready or adult enough to take on that role? Ten years? At this point, I think that I'd want to start trying for kids about when 30 hits. But is that really so? Thirty's probably closer than I think. I still need to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I wonder when I'm going to stop feeling like a kid and starting identifying myself as an adult. Quite honestly, I'm not looking forward to it.